Notes: 377484 / 2 weeks ago
from simplenametoremember (originally from thefergiefergs)
Notes: 501338 / 2 weeks ago
from purr-purrr (originally from internmarlee)
"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Notes: 4366 / 2 weeks ago
from thedarkersideofsir (originally from every-seven-seconds)
Notes: 173017 / 2 weeks ago
from squintzaintshit (originally from pleatedjeans)
Notes: 913078 / 3 weeks ago
from escapedgoat (originally from alisonshendrixs)
Notes: 49241 / 3 weeks ago
from tiffuhkneeis (originally from semperfrosty)
Next time you get a “tumblr/facebook questionnaire” asking you to work out your porn star name or something, remember this…
Your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet, your birthday and the first street you grew up on are usually the same fields used for password security reset questions
Fuck y’all. Good looking out
oh my god
Notes: 264649 / 3 weeks ago
from escapedgoat (originally from zenpencils)
Notes: 153956 / 3 weeks ago
from luvnmuzik215 (originally from fleshscars-deactivated20111216-)
"I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. ‘So,’ I tried to delicately ask, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?’ ‘Well,’ she responded, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?’"
Notes: 482162 / 3 weeks ago
from escapedgoat (originally from rialxoan)
Thermochromic table by Jay Watson
imagine banging someone on that table
imagine being home alone and seeing imprints on that table
Imagine having a friend sit at that table for a long while, but when they get up there’s no imprints at all.
What if you got up after trying to console a crying friend, and found that you had no imprints… and they were crying because they missed you?
aaaah it was a cool table now it’s a horror/drama story
I REALLY HATE ALL OF YOU
Notes: 207865 / 3 weeks ago
from tiffuhkneeis (originally from leggomyeggowaffles)